So where do I begin? I had planned this month to write down my exercise plan and what I was going to do to get in shape for the big day so that I, for a change, enjoy looking back on the photos and don’t cringe at the multiple chins or chubby cankles! I thought writing a post about it would also hold me more accountable as I have zero motivation, or perseverance, when I don’t see any immediate changes. I am that person who checks their calves for muscles a day after doing my first run in three years and feels deflated that there’s nothing there. I am that person who eats healthily for a day, gets home to check in the mirror to see how many abs I’ve magically grown, gets disheartened and has a huge hot chocolate before getting into bed! Anyway, I’m getting carried away again…I am actually going to push that back to a different month and that’s because this month’s confession is quite a big one...
SHOCK! HORROR! WHAAAAAT?!
Ok, so that may have been a little bit of an exaggeration for dramatic effect but, yes, we have decided to postpone the wedding until 2019.
It was the best decision to make, albeit the hardest one. I’m sure that I’ve said in a previous blog that all I am really interested in, is marrying my best bud and being his wifey fo’ lifey. I cannot wait for the day when we get married and exchange rings and I can call him “Hubs” instead of “Bubs”. Silly those little things, isn’t it? I know he wants to marry me and he wants to be my husband so this postponing has nothing to do with uncertainty. If anything, it is because we are so certain of each other, that we don’t want to rush into a haphazardly organised wedding day, where each of us are a wreck from stressing to do everything.
Let me rewind.
Craig and I have just bought, and moved into, our forever home. If you squint then it is everything we’re looking for in a home. It is in a beautiful rural village with a lovely community and a huge recreation field with an awesome playground. It has lots of walks to the river, the beach and across fields. It has a lovely village school. It has a wonderful big garden for kids to build dens, dogs to run around, chickens to lay us fresh eggs….and for Craig to have goal posts (his main goal (ha!) in life!). It has four bedrooms so we can have a big family. It has a gorgeous garden room/ kitchen, with windows across the front to look out down the garden and space for a huge dining room table. It has a cosy front room with a fire place and a snuggly sofa. But, and here’s where the squinting comes into play, that garden is currently mud (if you remember from last month’s blog, we are having the ceremony and reception in our garden!) with four outbuildings full of stuff that needs to be cleared and knocked down. The house is currently growing mould, is permanently cold and has cracks in the walls – not to mention the brilliant 60s style carpets. The bathroom doesn’t work, the electricity is dodgy and those rooms I spoke of earlier, don’t currently exist. I told you you’d need to squint! We are planning a renovation. It should hopefully start this side of Christmas and last around four months. That takes us to the start of May, our wedding was going to be in August. That would have given us three full months to get everything ready in the house – we are just having the shell of the house built and we will do the decoration, fitting kitchen, bathroom etc., as and when we build up the funds. Goodbye holidays. Indeed, goodbye wedding. One of the outbuildings will be used as storage during this whole process. That means that has to stay until early May. Then it has to be knocked down and grass seed put down where it once stood. That grass seed needs to have grown and matured by the start of August for our wedding day. Ideally, we would like flowers in the garden by then too. All in three little months.
Which might have been ok, except… I’m now starting a new job and as part of that, I am a student again, with assignments and reading to do. Craig works long hours in London and, bless him, even though he will get home and work on the garden in the evenings and all weekend, the amount of time we spend on renovating or doing uni work, means there is no time to plan the wedding to the best of our ability.
Although honestly, time wasn’t the only thing that affected our decision. I was feeling overwhelmed. There was so much that could go wrong and so many things to think about, and decisions to make, that I was no longer enjoying it. And all of those decisions should have been moments to enjoy and be excited about. Instead, I was being reduced to tears. Removing just one thing for me to think about has restored my balance. For example, we had grass seed put down two weeks ago at the back of the garden. I now look at the scattered tufts that are growing with excitement. I put those squinty eyes in and I can almost see a lawn and picture what it will look like whilst I stand at the kitchen sink in our new kitchen. The mind set I would have had, if we hadn’t have moved the wedding, would have been pure worry that it looked patchy, only two weeks after laying the seed, and worrying that it would fall out when people walked on it at the wedding! I would have worried and obsessed over it. I know that is a silly example but that is just one tiny part of what my brain was doing.
So, for us, this is the best option. Yes, we’ve already had Save the Dates printed and we will need to pay for those to be reprinted. Around half of them have been addressed but, thankfully, none of them have been sent. I think that just proves how busy we are at the moment. I have, in five weeks, only had time to write 20 envelopes! We have, thankfully, had lots of the lovely people we’d booked through say it is totally fine to shift our deposits on to the new date. Hurray for kindness and understanding!
I think this just goes as a call out to say, take a leaf out of my book and be stubborn! Stand up for what you want. If you are feeling overwhelmed and it is starting to effect other areas of your life and your mood, then sit down and assess the situation. I have been in the position before where life was too overwhelming but I ignored it, thought it would get better and it didn’t. It broke me. I’ve learnt now and when I get the smallest inkling of going down that path again, I gather my thoughts and process what I want in life and how I am going to make that life a happy one.
Self-care is a word that seems to trigger eye rolls and is thought about as a fad but it is definitely not. It is something I will be teaching to my children, nieces and nephews! It is so important to be mindful of how you are feeling. It is important to take a step back and figure out what can be done to improve how are you feeling. Are the decisions you’re making the ones you want to be making? Are the things you are doing making you feel positive? How can the situation be remedied?
So yes, we are cancelling the wedding, and even though that makes me so sad, overall I know I will be a healthier and happier person. I will continue with these blogs as I really enjoy writing them and pouring all my thoughts out onto paper – it just means you have to put up with me for a year longer!
See you next month!